In today’s culture, perhaps especially among men, we put a high premium on determination. We encourage people to “never give up” and applaud them for their dogged dedication to the task at hand. We urge them to: 1) work as hard and as much as possible and 2) never waver in their belief or commitment.
I think there’s some benefit and wisdom to this. Often, success in our careers or relationships is built upon our ability to stay consistent and push through moments of doubt, insecurity, discouragement, etc. Many of us don’t find success simply because we don’t stay in the game long enough.
And yet, my sense is that this determination can and often does become quite toxic. We stay committed to something mostly because we believe it’d be shameful to give up. We don’t want to reveal ourselves as weak, insincere losers. We stay in because we want to prove to the world that we aren’t quitters and because we’ve put some innate value on dedication and commitment in and of themselves.
For me, that is total B.S.
First off, giving up on a project or relationship that you’ve invested a lot in takes a ton of strength, courage, and maturity. Many of us stay in because it’d be too scary to face what’s on the other side. So personally, I admire those who can be vulnerable enough to admit that it’s over.
Second, this determination we value so highly is not nearly as innately helpful as we think it is. It’s only helpful when it’s in service to something truly meaningful to us and something that has a realistic opportunity to succeed. Otherwise, it’s just us spinning our wheels trying to prove something or be seen as something.
So I want to give you permission to finally just give up: on that business venture that has never quite taken off how you want it to, that relationship you’ve put so much energy into but just isn’t right, or that artistic idea that is still just a bit beyond your grasp.
Rather than all the hand-wringing and shame, you can just ask yourself two questions:
- Is this still truly meaningful to me and worth my limited time and energy?
- If I stay committed, does this have a reasonable chance of succeeding?
If you are a “no” on either question, then perhaps it’s time to let go. There is no shame in that.
